My name is Ben. I am the third eldest Blackwood. I was not sure what to write or where to begin. I have decided to begin by sharing a journal entry from the time my mom was diagnosed with carcinoid. At that time, I was coming to the end of a three month trip though Peru, Bolivia and Argentina.

Dec 7, 2005

I am still in South America and have yet to make an entry since the end of October. I guess, at this point, I feel I will remember most of the events and people, no doubt, some memories and emotions will be lost, but chances are I will never read anything I have written anyhow.
Today my mom had her appendix and ovaries removed. I talked to my dad for the first time since I left Arequipa. It is definite that she has carcinoid. They have not located it (other than in her appendix and ovaries) or know the extent of it, but she has cancer.
I've read that with most cases a person lives up till 5-10 years after the symptoms present themselves. Maybe a person can live longer, but then maybe they will live for a shorter period of time?
I do not want my mother to die. Maybe she will live for another 20 years. Maybe they will find the cancer and remove it. Maybe they will find a cure. However it seems that both are not very likely.
There is prayer and fear.
What will my father do? Anna? Joseph? Davey? What will I do?
Maybe it will draw us closer. Or will it push us apart?
A big part of me really doesn't believe it. There is biochemical evidence, but no other physically seen cancer. The scans are suspect, but nothing actually visible. I don't want her to die.
I want to cry and I don't want to cry. It reminds me of when we left PEI. I did not cry then, neither did my mother.